A new (or perhaps not so new) movement is emerging into our social spheres, one that espouses "freedom," "enlightenment," & "real love." It positions itself as a solution to infidelity, in an approach Oscar Wilde might recognize - ridding oneself of temptation by yielding to it. Every drug addict's favorite approach... but let's get to that correlation later! For now, just know that there is something you can do to be closer to natural human functioning, show true love to your partner(s....), and be an enlightened being of hallowed perfection & glory all at once! And that is - to date whoever you want, as many people as you want, in any way you want. Because as we know - love is infinite! It never runs out! Therefore, to gain all these benefits and more, you have now been sold: polyamory. It means all your dreams fulfilled & reaching the pinnacle of human evolution. Congratulations, clever soul - you have figured out the key to romance & maybe even life itself: Getting everything you want.
Yes, the enlightened way of living is therefore to pursue the obtainment of all that you desire and.... wait. Enlightenment & hedonism? Now that we think of it, those are rather strange bedfellows, if you will excuse the pun.
Let's explore 10 reasons why maybe we are wrong to glorify polyamory and open relationships as the ultimate human relatedness miracle pill.
1. It's not enlightened.
Enlightenment traditionally has more to do with self-discipline, selflessness, and even a strong degree of renunciation. It is certainly not a devout fan of giving in to every desire of the body. "A man who courts another's wife encounters 3 states, guilt & shame, sleepless nights, and incarnation into hell," suggests the Dhammapada helpfully. The Dhammapada is a major Buddhist text. Is the hell it mentions the fires of unfulfillment, coveting, chemical withdrawl, & jealousy? Let's explore the reflection of these in brain chemistry....
2. It's a brain chemical shitstorm.
Jealousy is a primal response that releases in either sex a flood of testosterone & adrenaline - the fight chemicals that also impede rational judgement. It is the cause of all your favorite "omg I can't believe that!" stories of people spray painting houses or smashing the car windows of their unfaithful lovers. "But I am much too enlightened to do such a thing!" you might protest. Yes, by all means, try to meditate it out. What I hypothesize you will get instead of peace is actually repression - and the physical or psychological ailments to accompany it. Try to "meditate out" being repeatedly smacked in the face. Unless you become a sociopath who is numb to emotion, I bet you wouldn't sit through it for long. Emotional pain activates the same centers in the brain as physical pain. And just the thought of the event renews the damaging experience in the mind, over & over. Memories of pain can cause real harm long after the event has passed.
And in the brains of women? A more fascinating find...
3. It may hit the emotional health of women especially hard.
During sex, women release large amounts of the deep bonding hormone oxytocin, while men release more of the pleasure hormone, dopamine. This means women will likely feel a deep loyalty or responsibility to the relationship formed, while men essentially get a giant body high, a bit like a drug....
4. It can contribute to sex addiction.
There are worse addictions, right? Wrong. Any addiction is a compulsive behavior that has the capacity to ruin lives. Addicts are known to betray & damage loyal bonds to friends and family in order to get their fix. Stealing a parent's checks, borrowing endless money from a friend... leaving your partner alone in a time of need, missing meaningful events, neglecting to show regularly you care, because....
5. There is only so much time in a day.
With other obligations like work, school, hobbies, friends, volunteering, etc that exist in a healthy & balanced life, we only have so much time to dedicate to love or romance. Stopping to buy some flowers, an invite to a dance, a date to an important work or family event - these are precious relationship moments that sustain & provide depth to our romantic bonds. When stretched thin, the absence of these creates a shallow experience at best, and a depressing experience of perpetual exclusion at worst. We have these various social traditions in place to navigate the benefits and drawbacks of our modern living...
6. It's not very civilized. Or civil.
Ah, natural man. Chasing wild boars, eating wild fruit, mating with the whole flock of females, fighting over resources, dying of diseases we have learned to prevent & treat, being at the mercy of environments we have learned to create powerful buffers from, drawing with mud on cave walls rather than attending a symphony.... We have come a long way as a species, in many ways. In the modern era, ritual sacrifice is generally frowned upon - but we may have lost contact with primal symbolism. We can grow & trade healthy crops - but some methods may use harmful chemicals. In many ways, civilization is out of balance with Nature. In many ways too, it heightens our health, safety, and experience or expression of beauty. The balance to be found, one might conclude, is not in regressing to a hunter-gatherer world. That is not possible at this point, or even wise considering the challenges we face. We do need to reintegrate the natural world with our lives - and at the same time retain the vast benefits of a thusly modified civilization. We can be sexually liberated by seeing sexuality as natural & beautiful rather than sinful or shameful, and still not attempt it with everything that moves, or give in to all our "primal" momentary desires. Just like cell phones and the internet, or even pants & bicycles are not "natural," perhaps neither is monogamy. But does that mean we must give all these things up in order to live a life of truth? No, it doesn't. We are not called to be feral in response to the modern age, we are called to be conscientious & wise in our choices. That is how we will successfully meet the future.
7. Not everyone finds polyamory and open relationships appealing.
Please stop preaching poly, stop your anti-"monogamy's oppression" warpath. Some people feel oppressed instead by the vast emotional nets & complications & maybe even the biological violence of non-exclusivity. They experience it as the profound abuse of cheating. There are other options...
8. Serial monogamy is not that bad.
It can get a negative rap & is generally said with an eye roll, but consider: The relationship investment is protected for the duration it takes place - time, energy, and resources are happily given in their highest capacity to one another. The depths are explored, the full lessons gleaned. And there is no "trap" - should the relationship outgrow itself or should another, stronger romantic bond be anticipated, it can simply come to an end, as all things do in a way. It is still sad, but not as sad as the daily loss of investment during the inevitable resource scarcity of an open relationship. And who knows, sometimes it can last longer....
9. Monogamous relationships that last a lifetime have multiple benefits.
Raising a family, weathering hardship, making things work by working on them, fixing what gets broken rather than tossing something perfectly good for another thing more shiney - these are experiences many of our ancestors had during their life-long journey together. Yes, it involved an unpopular notion for our modern "me first" consumerism-obsessed culture, and that is a certain degree of self sacrifice, "I don't get exactly what I want right now." In life-long monogamy, this could be the equivalent of choosing home grown tomatoes & strawberries over endless cupcakes & candy bars. Is it hard to make the choice? Not for those who value the real happiness of health over short term, damaging & excessive pleasure. The bottom line is....
10. It's a personal choice.
Just because someone doesn't jump naked onto the hippie caravan of polyamory and prefers their warm little homestead of monogamy doesn't mean they are not enlightened, not loving or accepting of their partner, out of touch with their truth, or unevolved emotionally. It means they are happy with their own path & not interested in yours.
So please, let's put down all the fanfare and cool it with the smug, knowing looks. Polyamory, it turns out, might not be so great afterall. And if you think it is - awesome! Kindly take the time to consider it may not be the cure-all for every relationship ill, and go along your merry way. Just leave the rest of us who are already happy as we are out of it.
Yes, the enlightened way of living is therefore to pursue the obtainment of all that you desire and.... wait. Enlightenment & hedonism? Now that we think of it, those are rather strange bedfellows, if you will excuse the pun.
Let's explore 10 reasons why maybe we are wrong to glorify polyamory and open relationships as the ultimate human relatedness miracle pill.
1. It's not enlightened.
Enlightenment traditionally has more to do with self-discipline, selflessness, and even a strong degree of renunciation. It is certainly not a devout fan of giving in to every desire of the body. "A man who courts another's wife encounters 3 states, guilt & shame, sleepless nights, and incarnation into hell," suggests the Dhammapada helpfully. The Dhammapada is a major Buddhist text. Is the hell it mentions the fires of unfulfillment, coveting, chemical withdrawl, & jealousy? Let's explore the reflection of these in brain chemistry....
2. It's a brain chemical shitstorm.
Jealousy is a primal response that releases in either sex a flood of testosterone & adrenaline - the fight chemicals that also impede rational judgement. It is the cause of all your favorite "omg I can't believe that!" stories of people spray painting houses or smashing the car windows of their unfaithful lovers. "But I am much too enlightened to do such a thing!" you might protest. Yes, by all means, try to meditate it out. What I hypothesize you will get instead of peace is actually repression - and the physical or psychological ailments to accompany it. Try to "meditate out" being repeatedly smacked in the face. Unless you become a sociopath who is numb to emotion, I bet you wouldn't sit through it for long. Emotional pain activates the same centers in the brain as physical pain. And just the thought of the event renews the damaging experience in the mind, over & over. Memories of pain can cause real harm long after the event has passed.
And in the brains of women? A more fascinating find...
3. It may hit the emotional health of women especially hard.
During sex, women release large amounts of the deep bonding hormone oxytocin, while men release more of the pleasure hormone, dopamine. This means women will likely feel a deep loyalty or responsibility to the relationship formed, while men essentially get a giant body high, a bit like a drug....
4. It can contribute to sex addiction.
There are worse addictions, right? Wrong. Any addiction is a compulsive behavior that has the capacity to ruin lives. Addicts are known to betray & damage loyal bonds to friends and family in order to get their fix. Stealing a parent's checks, borrowing endless money from a friend... leaving your partner alone in a time of need, missing meaningful events, neglecting to show regularly you care, because....
5. There is only so much time in a day.
With other obligations like work, school, hobbies, friends, volunteering, etc that exist in a healthy & balanced life, we only have so much time to dedicate to love or romance. Stopping to buy some flowers, an invite to a dance, a date to an important work or family event - these are precious relationship moments that sustain & provide depth to our romantic bonds. When stretched thin, the absence of these creates a shallow experience at best, and a depressing experience of perpetual exclusion at worst. We have these various social traditions in place to navigate the benefits and drawbacks of our modern living...
6. It's not very civilized. Or civil.
Ah, natural man. Chasing wild boars, eating wild fruit, mating with the whole flock of females, fighting over resources, dying of diseases we have learned to prevent & treat, being at the mercy of environments we have learned to create powerful buffers from, drawing with mud on cave walls rather than attending a symphony.... We have come a long way as a species, in many ways. In the modern era, ritual sacrifice is generally frowned upon - but we may have lost contact with primal symbolism. We can grow & trade healthy crops - but some methods may use harmful chemicals. In many ways, civilization is out of balance with Nature. In many ways too, it heightens our health, safety, and experience or expression of beauty. The balance to be found, one might conclude, is not in regressing to a hunter-gatherer world. That is not possible at this point, or even wise considering the challenges we face. We do need to reintegrate the natural world with our lives - and at the same time retain the vast benefits of a thusly modified civilization. We can be sexually liberated by seeing sexuality as natural & beautiful rather than sinful or shameful, and still not attempt it with everything that moves, or give in to all our "primal" momentary desires. Just like cell phones and the internet, or even pants & bicycles are not "natural," perhaps neither is monogamy. But does that mean we must give all these things up in order to live a life of truth? No, it doesn't. We are not called to be feral in response to the modern age, we are called to be conscientious & wise in our choices. That is how we will successfully meet the future.
7. Not everyone finds polyamory and open relationships appealing.
Please stop preaching poly, stop your anti-"monogamy's oppression" warpath. Some people feel oppressed instead by the vast emotional nets & complications & maybe even the biological violence of non-exclusivity. They experience it as the profound abuse of cheating. There are other options...
8. Serial monogamy is not that bad.
It can get a negative rap & is generally said with an eye roll, but consider: The relationship investment is protected for the duration it takes place - time, energy, and resources are happily given in their highest capacity to one another. The depths are explored, the full lessons gleaned. And there is no "trap" - should the relationship outgrow itself or should another, stronger romantic bond be anticipated, it can simply come to an end, as all things do in a way. It is still sad, but not as sad as the daily loss of investment during the inevitable resource scarcity of an open relationship. And who knows, sometimes it can last longer....
9. Monogamous relationships that last a lifetime have multiple benefits.
Raising a family, weathering hardship, making things work by working on them, fixing what gets broken rather than tossing something perfectly good for another thing more shiney - these are experiences many of our ancestors had during their life-long journey together. Yes, it involved an unpopular notion for our modern "me first" consumerism-obsessed culture, and that is a certain degree of self sacrifice, "I don't get exactly what I want right now." In life-long monogamy, this could be the equivalent of choosing home grown tomatoes & strawberries over endless cupcakes & candy bars. Is it hard to make the choice? Not for those who value the real happiness of health over short term, damaging & excessive pleasure. The bottom line is....
10. It's a personal choice.
Just because someone doesn't jump naked onto the hippie caravan of polyamory and prefers their warm little homestead of monogamy doesn't mean they are not enlightened, not loving or accepting of their partner, out of touch with their truth, or unevolved emotionally. It means they are happy with their own path & not interested in yours.
So please, let's put down all the fanfare and cool it with the smug, knowing looks. Polyamory, it turns out, might not be so great afterall. And if you think it is - awesome! Kindly take the time to consider it may not be the cure-all for every relationship ill, and go along your merry way. Just leave the rest of us who are already happy as we are out of it.
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